I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
