he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
