How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize