Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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