I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
