You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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