It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
