Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
