I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
