Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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