If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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