The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
