I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm like, not good at living.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
