Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
