I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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