Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
