i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
