I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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