Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
