You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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