Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
