Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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