i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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