I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
