I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
