I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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