shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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