Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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