Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
