Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
True strength comes from lack of pants
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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