I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
