operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
