You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
