his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots