Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo