I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
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Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.