eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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