My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
