I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
