Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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