don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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