we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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