is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
