Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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