it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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