at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
