she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
