i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
