if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
