I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
