Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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