We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
