I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
