Sober January is a disaster.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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