how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
