Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
