haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
