if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Watching her eat just hurts me
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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